Uncertainty under Mendiola Arch (1/3)

Sipping a cold and sweetened coffee while having to familiarize again these high school lessons I’ve had over some years ago has never been so easy as you grab my hand the moment you witness the first tear trying to make its way out of my eye down to my cheeks. The invisible tension that my eyes project towards the book I am trying to grasp is undeniably palpable enough that made you rest your chin on my right shoulder and without any hesitation, you whisper “It’s okay if you rest, you have plenty of time to master it anyway,” I just give you my quick glance before I finally decided to close that book that I can’t bear to think, is thicker than my brain. I can say that we’ve had most of our time chilling or studying in this coffee shop, just a few walks away to the Mendiola Arch. Well, I am the only one who, unfortunately, is still a student and my boyfriend, Chris, is already working somewhere in EDSA.

My relationship with Chris is the most peaceful I’ve had so far. Given our five years age gap, we really get along well. It surprises me more when he still manages to come near my place after a long day at work. Yup, it always surprises me. At a young age, I figured out that no matter how tired a person is, there is nothing he wouldn’t do for someone he truly loves. There are times that I deeply think of it. If I am capable enough of doing such things, or am I just too young to allow myself to give that kind of love. I just thought of it. But it doesn’t matter, for now.

The cold breeze that the month of June brings is that kind of chill you will always look forward to. Especially the coldness of the night. Even though the default temperature here in Manila is hot, you would want to wear your favorite hoodie as you walk through the chilling dimension under the moon’s gleaming spirit. Another twilight has passed, and here we are again in our favorite cafe. As I stare down to this review textbook, I can somehow notice from my left side that Chris seems to be bored, his attention is directed to his phone only and I can see that his body and arms are just frozen. I shifted my head on him and tried to make a silly smile, letting my dimples out. But he is still looking at his phone. I pouted and let out a soft sigh. “Is there a problem?” I can feel there is, but I still need to ask anyway. His eyes are finally aiming to me, but I can figure out that he’s still trying to form the words he wants to say. I slide through his side and lay my head gently on his shoulder. “Tell me,” I say again. “Hmm, nothing. Maybe I’m just tired. That’s all,” he finally announced. I just give him a nod, while I am trying to think what I may have done wrong or upsetting. “Want to take a walk outside?” Chris asks suddenly. Without reluctance, I started to pack my things and immediately grab his hands and escorted our way out of the cafe.

We are now walking under the cold night here in Mendiola with our hands lock to each other, trying to find our way to the destination that we didn’t even think of. The moment is easy and surreal for me. Even if we don’t say anything to each other, I know he loves me. And I know more that I love him. As we walk continuously on this smooth pavement that is connected to the university, I witness another coffee shop in our right direction and I let us pause for a while. I am seeing another coffee shop! He asks why I stopped. “If you want, we could go to that instead next time,” I say as I point to the new (for my eyes) coffee shop I am seeing right now. “If…” he’s about to say something but he just decided to stop suddenly. “If what?”, “If there would be a next time,” he continues. I raise my eyebrows for a few seconds, puzzling out the words he had just said. I am in a total what-the-hell-is-happening mood. “What are you trying to say?” I ask him with a heavy voice, because why would he say such things in the middle of our romantic walk. “I’m sorry, but do you love me?” There it is. Those words coming out of his mouth has got me in my “?????” meme facial expression. “W-why are you asking me this?” I ask with confusion obviously mixing with my voice. “I just thought that, you’re still young, and your priorities might change. Months or even weeks from now, you may become busier. I am just concerned that you fall out of love easily out of stress that you may encounter as days pass. I am sorry for saying this. But do you understand?” He finally confessed. I let go of his hand while my eyes are directed and frozen on the ground. I let out a big sigh. I can hear him saying “I’m sorry”, maybe about two times after he admitted what’s been bothering him. I don’t know what to say. I keep blinking my eyes for a few seconds, I guess I will just have to trust my lips to what words it will spit out. “Is it because I am just giving you little attention these days?” those words just came out of my mouth without a bit of realization. I just bite my lower lip out of the confusion that has been all over me. I kind of admitted that I have been giving him limited attention and affection these past few days. But I am just too occupied and I don’t want him to see that I cannot manage stress well, but I guess he misinterpreted it. I cannot blame him though. The quietness eating the two of us is giving me the sensation of being submerged into a dark and deep part of the ocean. I want to magically disappear for awhile. We’ve had shared quiet moments together but this one is the first time I am feeling awkward. I know he feels the same way. But I’ve got to do something to break this uneasiness between us. I tilted my head in his direction, but I am trying to avoid his eyes. And again, I am trusting my lips to finally say the right words to clear whatever is unclear. Just like my mind, my lips are also in the state of complication, hence, unable to even make the tiniest sound. But just like my heart, my lips also know where it should rest. I just let my heart and mouth give the power over me. Without even thinking, I found my mouth pressing to Chris’. His mouth is closed, but is moving along with mine. At this moment, I wouldn’t let my mind eat me up. And at this moment, I finally learned to listen to my heart. And right now, I know, and he knows, I will still look foward to kissing him and holding his hand in the next months, or even in the next years. Without saying anything, I know he understands. And without telling him, I know our love for each other are stronger than our uncertainties.

I really love the surface of his palm, even if it gets wet as we hold hands for a quite long time. As we trail towards the Mendiola Arch, the stars and the moon witness my love for him, and my willingness to love him for eternity. They are above, shining on us as we exchange our love for one another.

But the moon and the stars are also the witnesses when my love for him starts to fade.